Ok, let's have it. I'm flummoxed. I have never quite been in the position in which I currently find myself. I am: constantly distracted, and completely divided.

I have been in Austin for nearly a year and a half now and life here has been dramatically inconsistent and unpredictable in spite of the monotony of some of my work. Those are some of the benefits of being a foreigner, I guess. Even if I'm standing in one place for eight hours scanning groceries, my brain is always buzzing with the strangeness of my surroundings. It never got un-strange. I really value this challenge.

Now I am in a graduate program where I get to read and think and talk about things that I am passionate about for my full time job. Three weeks into the program, Emily died. In order to process this at all and chart out any kind of recovery--God I want to do right by her so bad--I have given myself over to the love and connection that I feel with people back home. I hardly feel like I am here, in glorious Texas, at all.

How much do I need to be here? How important is it to be in the place that you're at? What about the fact that I have stubbornly refused to become close to anyone here? I feel so frustrated and clueless right now I could kick in a wall.

P.S. Pandacam of Butterstick very cute.